Who’s this beautiful amber beer with a lovely head? It’s not Annie Lennox, it’s Directors Bitter.

Knowing me Brewskie, knowing you Directors bitter. A-HAAAAAA!

Warning: If you haven’t religiously watched Alan Partridge over the years you may as well stop reading now!

In 5: Back of the net, Jackanackanory, A-HA, Cashback, Jurassic Park

Can I shock you? I like wine. Fortunately for us however, Alan Partridge’s favourite tipple is Directors Bitter, he’s got it coming out of his taps don’t you know. So if you’ve just dismantled your Corby trouser press or you’ve been clearing your cellar of a couple of bikes, some smokeless fuel and a bag of cement – gone hard. Sit back, and relax, in Brewskie’s deep bath of Directors bitter and enjoy our Alan Partridge tribute review.

Brewed on the thighs of a virgin this lovely nutty beer really gets you by the jaffers as soon as you let battle commence.  This is most certainly the best ale we’ve had since Gary Wilmot’s wedding. If you can stop smelling cheese for a minute and inhale slowly into your pint you will find that Directors has a lovely fruity nose to it. Not too dissimilar to a microwaved apple pie that’s hotter than the sun and if squeezed would expel a jet of molten bramley apple that could go your way, it could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down.

We love it’s spicy, fruity and nutty flavour, and not just in a way. When you finally dost venture south it’s like a breath of fresh air. It would be a great companion to a curry but don’t forget the keema nan on the side… ooooooo mince.

The best thing I ever did was getting thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor, he drinks that yellow stuff in tins... He's an idiot!

It’s brewed by Courage, but not in big sheds that nobody’s allowed in with 20ft high chickens, and these chickens are scared because they don’t know why they’re so big, and they’re going, “Oh why am I so massive?” and they’re looking down at all the little chickens and they think they’re in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small. I digress…

Safety announcement: While you sip on your fat shot of Directors Bitter please remember the breathing techniques from tape one. Try to keep your nostrils clear and be careful not to get it all over the valance (the skirt that goes round the bed).

If you can ever accept the fact that they’ve used a collective term for a single drink and tried one, you can be sure you’ll be grabbing more from the fridge and putting them on the slate down your local minimart – a scaled down supermarket that fits inside a petrol station, sells pies, anti-freeze…  Don’t forget to store it below room temperature though or you may invalidate the warranty and always, always order it with a gin and tonic, and a Bailey’s. The Ladyboy chaser. Maybe a scotch egg on the side, but leave it a while to break down before you breathe on anyone or try to kiss your mildly cretinous Romanian girlfriend with an addiction to Snappy Snaps (she almost likes it as much as George Michael).

Tell me about the ladyboys.

Directors Bitter has been described as lovely stuff. Not Brewskies words, the words of Shakin' Stevens.

Directors Bitter is cheaper than a monkey, more expensive than a mouse and you can buy a whole load of Directors for a pony and a bag of hooves, cash in hand of course. You could even get your PA to buy you some when her dead mother’s money starts to come through to supplement her £9,500, so long as she hasn’t spent it all on her hair do that is.

Be careful not to spill the Sunny Delight as you banish it to the fridge, I can’t think of a more suitable drink to enjoy a Bond marathon with than Directors. Anything else would be demented. Just try not to get Bond wrong, or tape over it with America’s strongest man, and If you’re enjoying a few pints round at the house of your new best friend, who just so happens to be a fantastic man, make sure you check their credentials, they may be sex people looking to be appalling. If they invite you round try not to be sucked in by the promise of a Buck Rogers toilet, or their static caravan which can clean up half a pound of mashed up Dundee cake in its chemical loo.

Next time you are at the bar ignore the tea or coffee, tea or coffee, and get that Directors “into me!” Even better if you’ve got a scam going on with a big glass, but just be careful not to have too many or you may end up in a hotel kitchen cooking all the food or legally in control of a vehicle after committing cone theft. Cone’t you take a joke?

Not my words, Carol, the words of Brewskie.

Ideas for Brewskie;

• Swallow – A Norwich-based drinking series which would put Norwich on the map.
• Youth Drinking – with Chris Eubank.
• Brewing in Prison – Needs a bit of fleshing out.
• An ale amongst the Pigeons – The opening could be me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons real ale.
• Monkey Beer Pong…

PS. If you’re one of those commuters with your computers you could even buy some online and get yourself some cashback!

This article is copyright © 2012