Lean, mean, slow cooked machines

As you are no doubt aware man is a simple creature and to make him happy there are only a few things you really need to know. I am going to concentrate on the following two:

  1. Man likes beer
  2. Man likes meat

I’m not going to concentrate on these 2 facts as individuals, oh no, I’m going to combine the two to show you how to make something so mega, men all around the world will worship your very existence.

Meat cooked in beer.

So much cow, so little time

When I say meat, I mean meat; the kind of meat that you go to the butchers for and they have to get out the saw just to cut you a piece off, BEEF RIBS! Not just any beer either, to give it that real sweet zing, I used Waggledance Honey Beer and for a kick in the nachos a home grown scotch bonnet chilli.

When he was a child, instead of sucking a dummy, Chuck Norris chewed beef ribs.

To make ‘Beef ribs slow-cooked in a honey beer and scotch bonnet marinade’ you will need:

  • Beef ribs
  • Honey beer – Waggledance
  • Corn flour
  • Onions – a few
  • A slow cooker
  • Optional: a BBQ to finish them off

For the marinade:

  • A scotch bonnet chilli
  • Mustard – 4 tablespoons
  • Ketchup – 2 tablespoons
  • BBQ sauce – 2 tablespoons

Prep time – 1 hour

Marinating time – 12 hours

Cooking time – 4-6 hours on high, 6-8 hours on medium or 8-10 hours on low

The night before you want to eat your ribs you need to do some prep work and slap on the marinade to start the slow cooking process and tenderise this very tough bit of the cow. These ribs have got a lot of stomachs to hold in place you know! Firstly you need to cut off all of the fat and especially the horrible membrane bit; there is a technique to doing this which Mrs Brewskie was far better at than me (she has to be better than me at something I suppose – cue divorce).

No-one likes bingo wings

Once the fat is gone (there will be a lot of it) you are ready for the marinade, chop up the scotch bonnet into tiny pieces and mix up the marinade ingredients, you need plenty of mustard to kick-start the tenderising. Cover your ribs in as much marinade as possible and leave it in the fridge overnight. I know there is a temptation to get over-excited and plough straight into the cooking but hold your horses; it’ll be worth it in the end.


Set your alarm for nice and early – the big cooking day has arrived!

Chop up the onions and line the bottom of the slow cooker. Get the ribs out the fridge and wipe off the majority of the marinade, by now it should have done its job in starting the cooking process going. Be careful not to lose too many bits of scotch bonnet, you still want a bit of va-va-vroom.

Carefully place the ribs on top of the onions in the slow cooker and pour over the entire bottle of Waggledance (or other appropriate beer), I say carefully, the ribs aren’t going to fall apart in any way shape or form without a really good cooking first! Add a little bit of corn flour and water if you want to thicken up the sauce.

Busy little bees, busy little bees

Turn on your slow cooker and leave for: 4-6 hours on high, 6-8 hours on medium or 8-10 hours on low. At this point you may want to busy yourself; there won’t be much to see here for some time!

Turn the ribs over every now and then to make sure they all get cooked in the beery goodness. Every hour or 2 will be fine.

At this point the ribs fell out of my meat :-( maybe I over cooked them, or maybe it’s because they were so amazingly tender that the meat just couldn’t be bothered holding the ribs in place any more, either way, it didn’t really matter…

But daaaaaad, I'm hungry, they must be ready now!

I was lucky enough to be enjoying a BBQ at the very moment my ribs were ready (coincidence eh?) so I pulled them out of the slow cooker and put them in one of these funky contraptions for holding stuff together on a BBQ. At this point you can already pull the meat apart with your fingers it’s that tender, this part is purely for flavour. Stick the meat over the BBQ and grab a pint glass full of the wonderful juices left in the slow cooker. Pour this all over the meat and the charcoal to get some beery smoke adding flavour to the already delicious meat feast.

Move over rover, let the ribs take over

You are now ready to enjoy possibly the greatest beer meets meat meal of your life. Enjoy.

Flame grilled to perfection

This article is copyright © 2014 

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